First, many thanks to all who entered the competition to decide the worst Christmas record ever. It was a bit of fun and we had some unexpected nominees – Jonah Lewie and Mike Oldfield are OK in my book. So they didn’t get through.
I also decided stuff that was deliberately cheesy or a gimmick was disqualified. So whereas Dennis Waterman and George Cole did a pretty rough job on their Christmas effort, it was never supposed to be a “good” record so for our purposes here it doesn’t count. Sorry Ben, but thanks for nominating.
Likewise the Frog Song – I’m a McCartney fan (mostly when he was writing and performing in That Group He Was In) and he can write better but this was supposed to be a kids’ song in a Rupert The Bear film. It probably works OK on that level. I’m not a great Cliff Richard fan but tend not to bother fast forwarding when it comes up on a Christmas compilation. Speaking of older generation musicians I was surprised nobody nominated Bob Dylan’s “Must be Santa” from last year or whenever it was – sounding just like a grumbly old drunk in a pub you should never have gone into.
For me the first nomination was always a front runner. “Have a Cheeky Christmas” by the Cheeky Girls is, on all of the criteria I can think of, a pretty damned awful song. First it’s badly written and rushed out for a Christmas release. Second, the singing is truly insipid. But third and most important, the Cheeky Girls were at one stage trying to be real pop singers – an actual girl band. I’m guessing this was intended as a proper attempt at a real Christmas record, to milk royalties from compilations down the years – and it’s just teeth-itchingly awful.
So, Brittz Box, who nominated the song, is the winner and will receive a copy of “Thoroughly Decent Manners for Men” by Debrett’s and Wadworth immediately he emails me an address at Guy@Clapperton.co.uk. In other news I’m pleased to say the people at Pitrok were generous enough with their prizes so I can send everyone who nominated a deodorant worth nearly six quid. Send an address to the same email address and I’ll see to it.
Thanks again – it’s been fun!
P. S. The bloke in the picture was on a charity run and I feel a bit mean using his photo to illustrate a piece on bad Christmas stuff – but Santa in Speedos with a drawn-on six pack is just so wrong..!